Flowery Delivery Fraud - A Cautionary Tale and Call to Inaction

Valentine's Day is coming up gents! Yay! It's the bestest day in all the year for men, isn't it?

Men everywhere, scared shitless at the reality of inevitably disappointing their beloved sweeties, will take to the interwebz in the vain attempt of selecting some pretty vase filled with flowers to be delivered on the Day of Days. Most breathe a sigh of relief when they find something that looks nice, click the "Buy" button, enter all the required information, proceed through checkout (hoping that they are not unwittingly signing up for endless streams of junk mail, spam, and telemarketing calls), and finally get the confirmation of the order. Mission accomplished!

You are being scammed. You are being defrauded. The online florist networks are a total and complete scam.

I recently bought my wife a plant for her birthday. I thought after twelve years of marriage, and having only had flowers delivered to her work once, that she deserved to feel special on her birthday, because, you know, I do love her after all and want her to be happy. I always thought the idea of flowers was stupid and wasteful, so I never had them delivered - at most I would go out and buy some myself and have them waiting at home. I thought having a plant delivered, that wouldn't shrivel up and die after a couple days, leaving behind a vase that either gets thrown in a closet or in the trash, was more my style, and thus a more honest gift.

So I went online like many others do and searched for local florist shops near her work. A bunch popped up, and I perused a few of them, looking at the pictures of the plants. I noticed that they had the same pictures of some of the plants. Great! Competition between shops! Capitalism at work! So I compared the prices, and went with the lower price for the same plants, pot, everything. All in all, it took me between a half hour and a hour to pick out a plant I thought she would like.

I get through checkout, and the confirmation page suddenly has a little disclaimer very visible:

Substitution Policy:

In the event your selection is unavailable, a substitute of comparable quality and value will be delivered.

It also said something like "as indicated on the order page," but I didn't remember seeing that disclaimer before I hit the "Place Order" button. My Spidey-senses started tingling at this point, as I began to suspect that I had just been punked. If they're telling me after I have already picked out the plant and spent the money that they might have to substitute it with something else, it was very likely this is exactly what was going to happen.

Here's the plant I thought I had just bought:

It's awesome. It's big - 23 inches wide by 18 inches high - and I thought with the asian-style pot, it would look really classy in her office. I wrote as much on the card that would accompany the plant.

So I wait for her birthday, I get the call around noon, she says she got it and thank you. Happily, I said something like "It's big, isn't it?" hoping that it would fit in her office. She responded "Eh, sort of..." I then got the details, and it didn't sound like the plant I ordered. I sent her a link to what it was supposed to look like, and she took a picture of what she got and sent it to me:

Not even close. It's only about 12 to 16 inches wide, about twelve inches high, different plants, different pot, not "classy" at all. If you do the math on my size estimate, it was about half the size it should be, and that's just in two dimensions. It would be even smaller including depth.

Here they are relative to each other, adjusted to scale:

I didn't respond to my wife's e-mail. She liked the plant "just the same" and I didn't want to ruin her birthday. Instead, I did a simple search for "flowery delivery fraud scam."

I found these links: Anatomy of a Flower Fraud and All American Florist Scam

Read the articles. The website does a good job detailing the scam. Here's how it works, and worked on me:

1. Local florists pay to be a part of the online network, whether it be Teleflora, FTD, et al. in the hopes of getting more business and exposure.
2. The online network creates unique webpages for each local florist shop, where shoppers can look at pictures of the arrangements, plants, etc. These images are the same on all the local shop webpages, so these webpages are quick and dirty templates with just enough differences for the customer to believe they are unique.
3. The online network handles the processing of orders - the shopper is redirected to the online network page to complete the order.
4. Hidden on the order page in a link is the disclaimer "In the event your selection is unavailable, a substitute of comparable quality and value will be delivered." The selection made by the customer will never be available.
5. The online network takes their cut of the sale (who knows how much), and sends the order along to the local shop.
6. The local shop does not have the plant or arrangement available by design, and only has the remaining dollar value to create a "substitute of comparable quality and value."
7. The online network and local shop hope the customer will not notice the difference in quality and value. What few do follow up, notice, and are angry enough to call and complain, the local shop takes the loss and the online network keeps their cut.

That's how the scam works. But it's not why the scam works.

I have one question to ask: Why is this scam not all over the media? Why is it some lowly "florist detective" website detailing this scam and trying to warn unsuspecting men (and women) everywhere that they are being defrauded of their time, energy, and money? Why is this scam not detailed inside the various and sundry female magazines that litter storeroom shelves? Why is it not all over Oprah or The View?

Because women don't care. Well, they do care, but just not that their boyfriends and husbands, whom they allegedly love and care for, are being defrauded. First, the dutiful boyfriends and husbands are being led to believe they are picking out a certain arrangement of flowers or plants, in certain vases or pots, when in reality they are really only hitting a dollar amount button. I personally took some time to pick out something I thought my wife would like. I imagine most men shopping for flowers online do the same. But it's an illusion. Second, they are being defrauded out of their money, because after the cut to the mafia-like online network, the local florist has a much smaller amount of money to create a substitute. To women, this scam is just "the cost of doing business." After all, if the scam were exposed, they wouldn't get flowers delivered to them at work in front of all their work friends!

In addition to women not caring, men are lazy. Well, maybe lazy is not the right word - we seek efficiency. If there is a convenient way of getting something done, we do it that way. Our time is valuable. So, if we have the choice to pick something out online from the comfort of our homes or offices, we're going to do it that way as opposed to a more time consuming and less efficient alternative. Once the job is done, we are unlikely to follow up and make sure you got what we ordered. We'll hear "I love the flowers. Thank you honey!" on the phone, and that's good enough for us. We don't generally care about flowers, but we do care about avoiding wrath. So, when there is an online alternative to calling the florist shop directly, we'll go online every time - and furthermore, unlike talking on the phone, we can see what we're ordering online and actually make it somewhat personal. If we wanted to take the time to visit the florist shop in person, we certainly wouldn't have the flowers delivered. We would deliver them ourselves. But women love having flowers delivered to them at work. So, we go along with the scam, knowingly or unknowingly, and figure it's just "the cost of doing business."

For full disclosure, I did not phone the local florist shop to complain (they did not provide an email address). I'd rather spend my valuable time researching the root of the problem, and write this blog post, than spend time recouping a small amount of money, getting angry, treating someone over the phone like crap, etc. - that is dealing with the symptom of the problem, not the root cause. I'm sure the local shop would've done their best to make me a happy customer, either by refunding a portion of my order, or allowing me to return the plant for a full refund. That is why I have not named the local florist. In fact, I am somewhat sympathetic to the local florists, because this scam is so well constructed and designed that a local shop can not operate without it and survive. The online florist networks come up first in an online search. They appear to be legit local businesses, convenient, and offer numerous specific choices. That's why it's the mafia-style "cost of doing business" justification for participating in the scam. They would lose if they were not a part of the scam and give the gang their cut.

The sickest and most cynical part of the scam is this: if you order through an online network, the flowers or plants are not really from you - what you choose is substituted with something smaller or different, picked out and arranged by the florist. You just provide the money to make it happen, and the info to get it to the recipient, believing all the while you put some thought and creative effort into it. You know, like romance? Your wife or girlfriend might just as well have the obligatory "thank you sex" with the florist. It's a charade, and everyone is playing along with it. Ignorance is bliss, is it not?

Hear the battle cry, Black Brigadiers! DO NOT COMPLY. This is a call to inaction. Have some self-respect, and refuse to engage in this fraud and deception this Valentine's Day. You are being played for chumps and suckers. If you want to have flowers delivered, pick them out right there in the shop and deliver them yourself. If you don't want to do that, then do something else you want to do, or do nothing. Your choice. But REFUSE to be played for a chump and a sucker.

And ladies, have some respect for the men you allegedly love and don't make them feel guilty for not participating in this fraud! When you see a co-worker get flowers delivered to them, and all the women are ooh-ing and aah-ing over the beautiful flowers, you should say "Those flowers are nice. The flowers he really purchased must've been really beautiful!" And when Ms. Center-Of-Attention looks at you quizzically, explain the fraud to her, and how her boyfriend or husband is being cheated out of time and money to make her happy for a couple hours, tops.

It's time to kill this fraud of a holiday that is Valentine's Day. The laziness of men combined with the high-maintenance of women has created the perfect soil for frauds and scams like online florist networks to flourish.

Strike at the root, and refuse to comply.

Kindergarten Roundup for Red-Pill Kouples!

This morning before school was "Kindergarten Roundup" for my littlest one, so my wife and I dutifully got the sleepy kids ready earlier than normal to attend the meeting. We had already been through it with our oldest, and our youngest attends preschool, so it wasn't really a big deal for us, but was more for our little one to get ready for kindergarten.

The school served cookies and coffee for the parents while the little ones were ushered off for orientation. We got a packet of stuff, and as the principal, school nurse, lunch lady, and teachers made their presentations, I looked through the papers.

One of the handouts read like this:

Building Self-Esteem

21 Hints

1. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. It'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
2. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
3. Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. I'm only testing you.
4. Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. It makes me feel more secure.
5. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages.
6. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly "big."
7. Don't make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of value.
8. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.
9. Don't be too upset when I say "I hate you." It isn't you I hate, but your power to thwart me.
10. Don't make too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need.
11. Don't nag. If you do I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
12. Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken.
13. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should. That is why I'm not always very accurate.
14. Don't tax my honesty too much. I'm easily frightened into telling lies.
15. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I will stop asking and seek information elsewhere.
16. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real. You can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
17. Don't suggest you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I realize you are neither.
18. Don't ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you.
19. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It may be very difficult for you to keep pace with me but please try.
20. Don't forget I love experimenting. So, please put up with it.
21. Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of understanding love. But, I don't need to tell you, do I?

I had to chuckle while reading it, because there was more red-pill wisdom in this handout intended for parents dealing with children entering kindergarten than all the printed self-help magazines on the storeroom shelves. The same hints directed towards relationships between husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, are chock full of harsh truth and wisdom. However, while it is safe to give this advice to parents in dealing with their children, it would be apostasy to give the same advice to couples.

Here's how the handout would read for couples:

Building a Happy Relationship

13 Hints from Men to Women:

1. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. It'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private. (Stop with the shit-tests already.)
2. Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them in the early stages. (Sometimes you need to get me off my ass, get me to eat healthier, drink less, etc.)
3. Don't make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly "big." (Yes, a penis joke.)
4. Don't make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of value. (While I do make mistakes, there are many things I do right, so keep things in perspective.)
5. Don't make too much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get me the attention I need. (i.e. - the "Man Cold.")
6. Don't nag. If you do I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf. (Self explanatory.)
7. Don't tax my honesty too much. I'm easily frightened into telling lies. ("Do I look fat in this dress?")
8. Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I will stop asking and seek information elsewhere. ("Why don't we talk anymore?" might be due to you.)
9. Don't suggest you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I realize you are neither. (Get off the pedestal. Deep down you don't want to be up there anyway.)
10. Don't ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm toward you. (Get over yourself and past your own ego and apologize when you fuck up. I do it all the time, it won't kill you.)
11. Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It may be very difficult for you to keep pace with me but please try. (Post red-pill awakening change is fast. Undoing decades of lies and brainwashing is painful and difficult.)
12. Don't forget I love experimenting. So please, put up with it. (In bed.)
13. Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of understanding love. But, I don't need to tell you, do I? (I need your love, support, kindness and encouragement to conquer the world and fight the good fight. Unfortunately, it does seem that I do have to tell you this.)

Building a Happy Relationship

8 Hints from Women to Men 

(with maybe some additional overlap with the above)

1. Don't be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you. (You need to be the rational one and lead. If you lead consistently, I will follow you.)
2. Don't spoil me. I know quite well that I ought not to have all I ask for. I'm only (shit-)testing you. (If you never say "no" I lose respect, and thus desire, for you.)
3. Don't be afraid to be firm with me. I prefer it. I makes me feel more secure. (Self-explanatory.)
4. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes. (If I waste a bunch of money on a pair of shoes, you shouldn't take me out to dinner that month to enforce discipline. I won't like it, but I'll respect you.)
5. Don't be too upset when I say "I hate you." It isn't you I hate, but your power to thwart me. (Insert "You're so mean" or "You're an asshole.")
6. Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken. ("Baby, I can change" or "I promise to never have sex with the secretary again" are bad signs for the relationship, and you should just have the balls to break it off.)
7. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should. That is why I'm not always very accurate. (Hormones, hormones, hormones. Emotions, emotions, emotions.)
8. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real. You can do much to reassure me if you try to understand. (Kill the damn spider already, and sometimes I just need you to listen and not solve every problem.)

Imagine that, I find red-pill wisdom at Kindergarten Roundup. The same advice, given to adults, would result in a wailing and gnashing of teeth of feminists and manginas everywhere.